*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.