school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.