school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
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Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”![]()
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW