love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
necessity is the mother of invention
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
g
a
r
d
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n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“That’s what” – She
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.