Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My dog after a walk in the woods.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE