Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
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Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..