I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.