With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
You Might Also Like
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!