Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
guilty
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.