My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
You Might Also Like
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.