[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Banana is the quietest snack
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander