*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
The devil.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
normalize having existential bread
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes