Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.