My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
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Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.