COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.