BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”