@Gorrdano Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
@KalvinMacleod BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
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@Gorrdano 
@Darlainky Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
@AbbieEvansXO [two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
@justokdane God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
@lovemydogduck The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
@ArfMeasures HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
@NewDadNotes Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
@ThatEricAlper 
@FatherWithTwins I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.