BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

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My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.


Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?


People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”


I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.


Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient


*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*


Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…


The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room


[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath


[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh