It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.