Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”