If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
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I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now