HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
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A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
#CoronaOutbreak
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
BRO LMFAO
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.