Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
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Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year