Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?