Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
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Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
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