It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
i can’t wait that long
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.