We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
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“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
God, I love Scotland
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Duolingo getting serious.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.