My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.