Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Who does Amazon think I am?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.