The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
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Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Siri, fight Alexa.
That eye roll….
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.