[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
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Me too, bag. Me too….
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
that wasn’t the question
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.