Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.