Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
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Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Thoughts
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
found my next D&D character name
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me