This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[shakes fist at other fist]
i will avenge u mr van gogh
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me