“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃