godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
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my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
so, is there a mister shapen head
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.