If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
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When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.