My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids