I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Meow
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Brands during Pride
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country