Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors