So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I put the p in pants.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE