Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.