[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.