I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
You Might Also Like
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.