Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
You Might Also Like
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I think they could have phrased this better
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”