Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
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establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.