I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?