[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.