If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
🍛
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do