*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
How to make infinite energy.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.