I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
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The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Effort made
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it