My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Breaking news:
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.