Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.


Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house


FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can


Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.


Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.


I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!


I just don’t know what to keep it in….


Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.


This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet


They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?


murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10