Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
What the hell happened here.